Yes I can...

When I was growing up I was always told that thoughts were real.  If I told myself I could do something then I would be able to do it. And, naturally, if I told myself I couldn't do something....well, then I'd never be able to do it.  I heard this constantly, to the point I basically shut it out and refused to believe it.  I'm not really sure if I was just that stubborn or if the thought of being caught practicing anything I was told would be good for me was just too embarrassing.  All I can really say is the beginning of my adult life was sort of a barren wasteland.  I didn't believe I had any abilities or talents and I didn't know how to figure out what my talents and abilities were.  It didn't occur to me that my love of fashion and my ability to pull together a look was a talent.  I mean let's face it, Coco Chanel already existed so in my mind there was nothing left for me to do.  But to this day I can remember getting my first subscription to Vogue and I vividly remember the day I bought my first bottle of Chanel No. 5 (cologne not parfume).   I was obsessed.  And modeling....that was for the beautiful, 6 foot tall, perfect blondes.  Not for a bizarre looking red head who never fit in anywhere.   I think Coco Chanel said something like 'you must be unique to be value' but as much as I love that now, at the time it was just one more way to remind me that I stuck out like a sore thumb.  Having said all that, the only thing I ever consistently wanted to do with my life was to become an actress or have a role, some how, in fashion.  There was only one time I ever admitted that out loud and sadly instead of being given the support I needed to explore what that meant, I was told that I was just like every other little girl and all that would happen was I'd end up far from home with nothing.  Don't misunderstand me, it would have been just as wrong for me had I been told that all I had to do was head to one of the coasts and then I'd become a star.  What I find really amazing, looking back is how deep I buried all of this. Fashion and acting became a childhood fantasy and the idea that thoughts were real had transformed into "the power of positive thinking" and was a constant theme in all of the business seminars I went to.  But even in that context I wasn't all that interested.   It wasn't until I met my second husband that I began to really understand how important think positively really was.  He was deeply committed to the idea that you are what you think.  And he was the first person who told me that the way a person becomes a success is by being willing to turn their hobbies and their talents into a career.  How is it that I didn't regard my obsession, my passion as a talent?  Even after I was asked by strangers to help "dress" them,  even after I began getting invitations to come in to different agencies in the area, it didn't really occur to me.  At some point though I began to have fantasies about what could have been and I began looking at the people who were brave enough and strong enough and had just enough faith in themselves to take a chance on their own desires.  At first, all I did was beat myself up for not having that same ability when I was younger and feeling sorry for myself because I had wasted all of that time and my chance to be who I had really wanted to be.  Ironically the movie "Sex and the City" came out and I realized that the time had come for women my age.  I also just knew if I had faith in myself, really believed in me,  my world would blossom.  And that's all I had to do, just have faith in me and in my abilities.  Honestly,  I don't know where this path will end up.  But the destination isn't nearly as important as the journey.  I love what I am learning.  I love getting up every morning.  For the first time in my life I am coming up with ideas that are my own and acting on them.  I met a boutique owner that is also designing her own line.  After I scheduled my photo shoot for this Friday, I asked her if she'd like to have me use one or more of her designs. We both can use the photo's and hopefully she will like what I do enough to use me for Fashion Week in August.  Then I went to the Garment District and they are lending me 4 out fits. Plus they have passed my name on to our paper because they are looking for female models my age for the local women's magazines.  I have what appears to be ambition for maybe the very first time in my life just because I want to not because anyone else expects me to.  It feels so good.  I know that this is all  very small time but I feel ten feet tall and I think that shows.  The true irony is that all of this was here in front of me all of the time.  So, stay tuned. Next up will be the photo shoot Friday with Andrew J. Baran and I will be sure to post some of those picts as quickly as I can.  I will also try to post the only two photos I want anyone to ever see from my first photo shoot.  Sadly that shoot just didn't go well for me but I learned so much that honestly it was worth while in the end. I guess if I had to some up what it is  I am really trying to say very quickly, I'd say this:  Yes, I can........