Living the way I want to....

All of my life I have done what I thought was the right things to do.  I worked and went to school. I had a good job and worked my way up in the company.  I got married, had a daughter and got promptly got a divorce.  Fine.  I continued working there until I met my second husband and moved away to marry him.  I left everything I understood behind me.  My identity was completely wrapped up in what I did and I had never been farther than a few miles away from a relative in my life.  It took a lot to adjust.  I had my son a few years later and then was told I had a chronic illness that there was no cure for.  Fine. I was a stay at home mom for eleven years.  Then I went back to work for my husband as soon as both kids were in school.  It wasn't until my daughter's senior year of highschool that I really figured out I was miserable taking care of the books and handling our finances but that's what a wife does right?  Being happy was for the weekends.  Right? But my daughter began to become more and more afraid of her future and the more I pushed at her   the less she was willing to do.  And then I saw the same fear I carried in me had been passed to her.  She was learning from my example even though I was telling her something entirely different.  What a shocking revelation. And as the economy began to crumble I began to see even more clearly that I had literally shut down all of the things in life that meant something to me as a person, separate from family or any one that had expectations of me other than the ones I had for myself years ago. The worst part has been knowing my fears had such a huge impact on my daughter's life.  But after being called for over a year by a local modeling agency I decided to go in for an interview and was signed!!!  I was so skeptical at first  but after booking my first few jobs and talking with several other models ther and with other agencies I realized this was all okay.  The part that is the most exciting is I am finally on the right track.  I don't see modeling as a long term job but I do see it opening the door for other possibilities for me and the things that interest me.  And I admit I love the attention.  I love knowing I am walking into rooms with girls who are in some cases, younger than my daughter and I am booking jobs with them and instead of them.  I can't even describe the amount of terror I feel each time.  But this terror is nothing compared to those fears I allowed to live inside of me and hold me back for so long.  Each time I do this, I face the terror down and take a step towards a life I have created.  The very best part is knowing my daughter is watching me.  Now she is enrolled in college and has found a job she really likes to help her pay her expenses.  I know I can face anything and I finally feel like I am showing my children that it is never too late to put a life together that has meaning. Now we are facing the economy and what it has done to the family business.  Sadly so many of the names people hear on the news that are going under are customers of ours. The amount of money we will probably never see out of these companies is more that we can do with out.  Now my husband is faced with loosing all of the things that have defined him.  But for me, all we will loose are things.  Things that can be bought again later.  Our children have turned out to be good people and they are healthy and happy.  And most importantly we are all together and handling each thing as they come!