Traveling down "Narcissistic Lane" :

  My personal journey has begun to lead me down a new path that I have been calling "Narcissistic Lane".  For the first time in my life I am openly focused on everything from my outward appearance to knowing and admitting exactly what I am good at doing.  I stand up for my self and what I believe will be good for me and the direction I want to go.  And if I hear something I really don't like or advise I wasn't exactly wanting to receive, I have begun to ignore it.   I have been told by several people a variety of reasons why this career path was wrong for me.  Yet for every piece of unwanted advise, I have a job, photo shoot or a "go see" that is telling me I'm on the right path.  For example, I was told the other day by  a photographer,  that has seen me only through a modeling website, that my desire to try for the TV Land Top Model show for women my age is an unreasonable dream.  Why? Because I admitted to having stretch marks, scars and two tired "girls" ( two sagging boobs). Apparently there are women out there that can give birth to multiple children and their bodies never change!  I'm guessing Heide Klume is really sticking basket balls in her shirt and adopting rather than giving birth. Yet I just received confirmation that I have been selected for a comic book photo shoot.   I will be a comic book heroine or villain for this shoot.  What is so exciting to me about being offered this particular job is when I sent in my portfolio for consideration, I didn't realize the age limit was 30 years old.  There will be things I can over come and things I can't and in this business, I'm not sure there is a reasonable explanation for either.  George Clooney is here working on a movie.  They did not sign me on as an extra and I perfectly met every one of the criteria mentioned in the casting call. It's my opinion that they really missed out.  But they also have my picture on file  and just as important,  I have an email address I can send updates and new photos to.  Someday I could be hired to work for that production company.   Why would I ever allow anyone but me to be the final decision maker in what I'm willing to put myself out there for and what I'm not.  

  So why do we run our selves down rather than  admit what it is we like about ourselves?  Last summer I met a woman who moved here from a major city back east.  She gave up a very glamorous job in the fashion industry and, what seemed to me, to be a much more exciting life, for the slower paced Mid West.  What I really noticed about her was her ability to promote herself.  She didn't hold back when talking about accomplishments and what she is good at. Honestly, I was taken aback and found myself filled with a strange mixture of disgust, envy, and fascination.  She was rattling off a long list of the people she knew and what she had accomplished and all I could think was she had to be the most conceited person on earth.  Yet, if she wasn't going to promote herself, who exactly would?

  As women, I believe we are still raised to be quiet about what we are good at, what we are proudest of, and most importantly, if we actually like ourselves.  In fact, as women, I think we are trained that that the only way we will be accepted by others is if we don't like ourselves.  I remember when my daughter was almost two years old I constantly told her she was beautiful and smart, as did just about everyone else in the family.  One day, as she was playing with on old compact, she was looked into the mirror and told herself how beautiful and smart she was. I thought it was very cute.  Over the next couple of days, when she would be told by me or someone else how beautiful or how smart she was, her response was "I know I am."  Again, I thought this was cute.  But it bothered some people and I was told she shouldn't be encouraged to be so "self absorbed".  To this day I still get angry when I think about that.  "Nice girls don't say they know they are beautiful",  "Nice girls don't brag about themselves","Nice girl don't...", as it turned out puberty, society, and way too much focus on issues of weight took care any questions about whether or not she was going to be a self absorbed, conceded girl.  She became so self conscience we struggled with bulimia and anxiety for two long years and I still worry her battle with self image isn't over. 

  So tell me again why it's okay for me to be my worst critic but not my strongest ally? I thought about all of these things as I took the time to get to know my new friend from back east. What really impacted me was she is not much younger than I am yet she achieved all of the things she had dreamed of doing - in spite of moving all over, being scared, fear of the unknown...all of the things I have allowed on to my path to slow me down or stop me - until recently.

  Now I am promoting myself on four different four different websites, not including this blog. The most impressive thing to me is, one of the sites is Facebook.  That site is not  a business site.  It is completely for fun and personal communication with friends and family.  Friends from high school to be even more exact.  I have literally put myself out there in front of people that I felt intimidated by for years and am showing them all of the things I am doing, telling them how I feel about myself and letting them see what I succeed at and what I have not quite succeeded at.  And guess what has happened?  I have a bunch of friends that send me little posts and comments telling me to keep going, telling me they are excited for me and telling me I look great and they are proud of me.  All of that because I was finally able to say I am proud of myself, I like how I look, I know who I really want to be and what I really want to do.  Honestly, if that is what walking down my "Narcissistic Lane" means, it is definitely a path I should have followed a long time ago!

Is Nudity Okay?

I've been contacted by several photographers lately due to my sites at One Model Place and Model Mayhem.  I've gotten some wonderful offers and I'm doing one and I'm considering a couple of others.  What is bothering me is I know one offer will require nudity.  I've looked at this photographer's work and I would have to say that I don't find his work offensive.  It is art but really, can't any photographer say his or her work is art?  I'm not a prude by a long shot but I am a mother.  Would I want my daughter considering this?  In the end, my photo's won't be posted on a sleazy web site, they wouldn't be sent to a magazine and they won't be hung on every street corner in the midwest.  But they will be in a gallery.  The image will belong to this photographer and once they are taken I loose control over them.  I admit there is a part of me that would love to do this.  I have never thought of myself as a sensual person.  For what ever reason, I lost that a while ago and I wonder if I do this, will I get that back?  Will I finally begin to see myself as someone who can be really proud and happy about their physical side?  Truth be told, if I do this I will have to work out for at least a month to gain some tone.  I grant you, I have no body fat but I also have no tone.  I tend to keep this one little secret far away from the people I work with or for, but I have lupus.  I'm in remission for the most part but it has taken it's toll.  I've had multiple surgeries and due to the level of exhaustion I've felt over the last six months or so, working out became really unimportant to me.  When I see my self naked, I see a woman who has been ill. I see a body that has been ravaged by child birth, by time, and by my own body turing against me.  I have never regretted what childbirth did but seeing what time has done and what illness has done makes my mortality so much closer.  What I don't see is a beautiful woman.  I think that's one of the reasons I have loved clothing so much.  No one can see what I've been through if I am dressed. I create an illusion that what you see when I'm dressed is just a prelude to what you see when I'm not.  I also worry about my kids finding my pictures? Would I be embarrassed?  Would it humiliate them?   In the end, I don't think I can do it.  But honestly, knowing that doesn't make me feel good or proud.  It makes me feel like a chicken, like a person who is too ashamed to see themselves as a beautiful woman....like I am still hiding.   I can't ever say to my kids that I chose not to do it because I didn't want to embarrass them or do something I didn't find moral.  I would have to be honest with them and myself and tell them that I was just too ashamed of my body.  That's the truth and I guess part of why I began blogging was to help me sort things out.  Wow,  I'm ashamed of my body.  Now what?  Well, I am so angry at myself right now....I didn't understand that until just this minute.  Why would anyone want to look at my cellulite, my stretch marks, my sagging ass and boobs, and my scars?  I don't want to look at them.  I was told that this photographer always touches his images up and I must say, he'd have to do so much touch up work that it would no longer be me in the picture.  You know, I could live with it being a true moral choice not to do this but knowing that I am choosing not to because I am ashamed of my body.....that means I have work to do.  First, I need to decide why I hate my body..is it really all about cellulite, flab and illness or is there more?   Once I have that figured out then I  need to decide what I can fix  and how it's best fixed.  First of all, I know sitting on my butt is doing nothing to improve anything so it's time to work out again.  And then I need to decide how far I want to carry fixing my body or at least fixing how it looks.  There's not much I can do about the lupus other than really take care of myself - which includes working out- but could I have surgery to improve the chest area?  I never want bigger boobs...never, never. But I would like them "lifted".  And if you are wondering whether my priorities are completely screwed up, the idea of one of my children hating themselves in anyway seems much worse to me and far more dangerous than one of my children considering whether or not posing nude publicly is something they could or even should do.  Naked pictures have a potential of being seen by everyone in the world and used anyway the owner wants...a hated body gets abused, under fed, over fed, cut, taught to throw up after eating everything in sight,  and used by people who search out those who hate themselves.  When I began my quest for a better life, I knew my daughter had been taught all of the things I didn't want her to learn from me by watching me.  Both of my children are still watching me and I want them to see me change what I don't like and accept what I can't change with grace.  But most of all, I want them to learn, from me, that liking  yourself, living the life you really want and having the confidence to know what that is and what that means is why we have been put here and can be achieved even if you have spent most of your life doing just the opposite.  It's never too late to change your life and live with confidence, love and happiness.

Creativity, the Ego and Staying Sane...

I have run into an odd situation over the last few days.  First, I was pretty naive when I jumped into modeling and acting.  It did not even enter my mind once that everyone here knew each other.  I don't have a clue who anyone is so it just seemed natural that no one else knew each other.  WRONG!!!!!!  And worse, once someone's ego has been bruised then getting this person to work with that person seems to be more difficult in this field than in any other aspect of business.  Basically, when I signed on with the agency I am with, I was told I could use their photographers or I could find my own.  Well, first of all, I had to find out if the agency's prices were reasonable and I wanted to know more about the photography community around here.  I discovered this site when I googled commercial photographers in Omaha.  The photographer's name is Andrew J. Baran and I was really blown away by his work.  Considering my parents are retired photographers, I am less that enthused with most of the industry and have never really been impressed with anyone else's work before.  But these photo's I saw on his site were really something.  So, I decided I would shoot with both the agency's photographer and Andrew.  My portfolio could use it and the cost was reasonable.  The agency brought in a "nationally known" photographer and quickly set me up with him.  It was a nightmare and the words nationally know mean nothing....you can be nationally know for anything.  In fact, once I saw those pictures I had a real crisis.  I was worried that somewhere between the age of 23 and 43 I had lost my ability to be photographed.  I have never seen work this bad.  So once I saw what Andrew and I did together I was sure my agency would want to use those.   Funny, not only did it cause a problem that I went outside the agency, just the fact that I refuse to let them use the 'NATIONALLY KNOWN' work because it is so bad has caused a problem.  But I discovered that my agent has had a "relationship" with both of these  men.  One was romantic and one was professional but for what ever reason she has developed a real hatred of Andrew.  To the point she is unwilling to see how bad this other man's pictures are!  I know my original photo shoot has been posted to their site and I haven't worked since those photo's went up.  I posted Andrew's photo's on my own modeling sites and have booked work immediately.  Sadly, I have never dealt with someone so willing to sabotage a business as well as the people she deals with before.  What worries me further is the director of the agency is backing up her and the lover/nationally know photographer.  And by the way, a photographer isn't someone who owns camera's .  That's a guy that takes pictures and has gotten a couple of lucky shots.  A photographer sees images and light - they are artists who understand creating and their part in that process.  And if they don't understand film then I really don't trust them.  Too many people have decided that a digital camera makes them professional.  The whole idea that all they need to do is point and shoot because the camera takes care of the rest is so infuriating to me. But now the question is going to be, do I force my point or do I just move on to a new agent.  Honestly, I really don't believe the agency I am with has a real interest in promoting talent.  They are to busy getting the 12 and 13 year olds to sign up on the "school" side.  Mommy and Daddy pay a lot of money for classes, pictures and more classes. Apparently I allowed my ego to get in the way of common sense.  I know a real agent from the pretend, "let us train you at the low, low cost of...." agents and all I was interested in was signing.  I didn't do enough homework and the little bit I did do, well, I was able to justify the negative things I was hearing.  Well, I guess we are never too old to be caught by our ego's are we?  I do have one or two other things going for me however, one is I am just stubborn enough to get my way and two, my ego will never dictate my common sense.  I figure out a way to have my cake and eat it too.  Just watch me!  And while you are watching....my next entry will be more on scams and the modeling industry.  In my short month and a half I have already learned a lot!!!

Yes I can...

When I was growing up I was always told that thoughts were real.  If I told myself I could do something then I would be able to do it. And, naturally, if I told myself I couldn't do something....well, then I'd never be able to do it.  I heard this constantly, to the point I basically shut it out and refused to believe it.  I'm not really sure if I was just that stubborn or if the thought of being caught practicing anything I was told would be good for me was just too embarrassing.  All I can really say is the beginning of my adult life was sort of a barren wasteland.  I didn't believe I had any abilities or talents and I didn't know how to figure out what my talents and abilities were.  It didn't occur to me that my love of fashion and my ability to pull together a look was a talent.  I mean let's face it, Coco Chanel already existed so in my mind there was nothing left for me to do.  But to this day I can remember getting my first subscription to Vogue and I vividly remember the day I bought my first bottle of Chanel No. 5 (cologne not parfume).   I was obsessed.  And modeling....that was for the beautiful, 6 foot tall, perfect blondes.  Not for a bizarre looking red head who never fit in anywhere.   I think Coco Chanel said something like 'you must be unique to be value' but as much as I love that now, at the time it was just one more way to remind me that I stuck out like a sore thumb.  Having said all that, the only thing I ever consistently wanted to do with my life was to become an actress or have a role, some how, in fashion.  There was only one time I ever admitted that out loud and sadly instead of being given the support I needed to explore what that meant, I was told that I was just like every other little girl and all that would happen was I'd end up far from home with nothing.  Don't misunderstand me, it would have been just as wrong for me had I been told that all I had to do was head to one of the coasts and then I'd become a star.  What I find really amazing, looking back is how deep I buried all of this. Fashion and acting became a childhood fantasy and the idea that thoughts were real had transformed into "the power of positive thinking" and was a constant theme in all of the business seminars I went to.  But even in that context I wasn't all that interested.   It wasn't until I met my second husband that I began to really understand how important think positively really was.  He was deeply committed to the idea that you are what you think.  And he was the first person who told me that the way a person becomes a success is by being willing to turn their hobbies and their talents into a career.  How is it that I didn't regard my obsession, my passion as a talent?  Even after I was asked by strangers to help "dress" them,  even after I began getting invitations to come in to different agencies in the area, it didn't really occur to me.  At some point though I began to have fantasies about what could have been and I began looking at the people who were brave enough and strong enough and had just enough faith in themselves to take a chance on their own desires.  At first, all I did was beat myself up for not having that same ability when I was younger and feeling sorry for myself because I had wasted all of that time and my chance to be who I had really wanted to be.  Ironically the movie "Sex and the City" came out and I realized that the time had come for women my age.  I also just knew if I had faith in myself, really believed in me,  my world would blossom.  And that's all I had to do, just have faith in me and in my abilities.  Honestly,  I don't know where this path will end up.  But the destination isn't nearly as important as the journey.  I love what I am learning.  I love getting up every morning.  For the first time in my life I am coming up with ideas that are my own and acting on them.  I met a boutique owner that is also designing her own line.  After I scheduled my photo shoot for this Friday, I asked her if she'd like to have me use one or more of her designs. We both can use the photo's and hopefully she will like what I do enough to use me for Fashion Week in August.  Then I went to the Garment District and they are lending me 4 out fits. Plus they have passed my name on to our paper because they are looking for female models my age for the local women's magazines.  I have what appears to be ambition for maybe the very first time in my life just because I want to not because anyone else expects me to.  It feels so good.  I know that this is all  very small time but I feel ten feet tall and I think that shows.  The true irony is that all of this was here in front of me all of the time.  So, stay tuned. Next up will be the photo shoot Friday with Andrew J. Baran and I will be sure to post some of those picts as quickly as I can.  I will also try to post the only two photos I want anyone to ever see from my first photo shoot.  Sadly that shoot just didn't go well for me but I learned so much that honestly it was worth while in the end. I guess if I had to some up what it is  I am really trying to say very quickly, I'd say this:  Yes, I can........

Living the way I want to....

All of my life I have done what I thought was the right things to do.  I worked and went to school. I had a good job and worked my way up in the company.  I got married, had a daughter and got promptly got a divorce.  Fine.  I continued working there until I met my second husband and moved away to marry him.  I left everything I understood behind me.  My identity was completely wrapped up in what I did and I had never been farther than a few miles away from a relative in my life.  It took a lot to adjust.  I had my son a few years later and then was told I had a chronic illness that there was no cure for.  Fine. I was a stay at home mom for eleven years.  Then I went back to work for my husband as soon as both kids were in school.  It wasn't until my daughter's senior year of highschool that I really figured out I was miserable taking care of the books and handling our finances but that's what a wife does right?  Being happy was for the weekends.  Right? But my daughter began to become more and more afraid of her future and the more I pushed at her   the less she was willing to do.  And then I saw the same fear I carried in me had been passed to her.  She was learning from my example even though I was telling her something entirely different.  What a shocking revelation. And as the economy began to crumble I began to see even more clearly that I had literally shut down all of the things in life that meant something to me as a person, separate from family or any one that had expectations of me other than the ones I had for myself years ago. The worst part has been knowing my fears had such a huge impact on my daughter's life.  But after being called for over a year by a local modeling agency I decided to go in for an interview and was signed!!!  I was so skeptical at first  but after booking my first few jobs and talking with several other models ther and with other agencies I realized this was all okay.  The part that is the most exciting is I am finally on the right track.  I don't see modeling as a long term job but I do see it opening the door for other possibilities for me and the things that interest me.  And I admit I love the attention.  I love knowing I am walking into rooms with girls who are in some cases, younger than my daughter and I am booking jobs with them and instead of them.  I can't even describe the amount of terror I feel each time.  But this terror is nothing compared to those fears I allowed to live inside of me and hold me back for so long.  Each time I do this, I face the terror down and take a step towards a life I have created.  The very best part is knowing my daughter is watching me.  Now she is enrolled in college and has found a job she really likes to help her pay her expenses.  I know I can face anything and I finally feel like I am showing my children that it is never too late to put a life together that has meaning. Now we are facing the economy and what it has done to the family business.  Sadly so many of the names people hear on the news that are going under are customers of ours. The amount of money we will probably never see out of these companies is more that we can do with out.  Now my husband is faced with loosing all of the things that have defined him.  But for me, all we will loose are things.  Things that can be bought again later.  Our children have turned out to be good people and they are healthy and happy.  And most importantly we are all together and handling each thing as they come!