My personal journey has begun to lead me down a new path that I have been calling "Narcissistic Lane". For the first time in my life I am openly focused on everything from my outward appearance to knowing and admitting exactly what I am good at doing. I stand up for my self and what I believe will be good for me and the direction I want to go. And if I hear something I really don't like or advise I wasn't exactly wanting to receive, I have begun to ignore it. I have been told by several people a variety of reasons why this career path was wrong for me. Yet for every piece of unwanted advise, I have a job, photo shoot or a "go see" that is telling me I'm on the right path. For example, I was told the other day by a photographer, that has seen me only through a modeling website, that my desire to try for the TV Land Top Model show for women my age is an unreasonable dream. Why? Because I admitted to having stretch marks, scars and two tired "girls" ( two sagging boobs). Apparently there are women out there that can give birth to multiple children and their bodies never change! I'm guessing Heide Klume is really sticking basket balls in her shirt and adopting rather than giving birth. Yet I just received confirmation that I have been selected for a comic book photo shoot. I will be a comic book heroine or villain for this shoot. What is so exciting to me about being offered this particular job is when I sent in my portfolio for consideration, I didn't realize the age limit was 30 years old. There will be things I can over come and things I can't and in this business, I'm not sure there is a reasonable explanation for either. George Clooney is here working on a movie. They did not sign me on as an extra and I perfectly met every one of the criteria mentioned in the casting call. It's my opinion that they really missed out. But they also have my picture on file and just as important, I have an email address I can send updates and new photos to. Someday I could be hired to work for that production company. Why would I ever allow anyone but me to be the final decision maker in what I'm willing to put myself out there for and what I'm not.
So why do we run our selves down rather than admit what it is we like about ourselves? Last summer I met a woman who moved here from a major city back east. She gave up a very glamorous job in the fashion industry and, what seemed to me, to be a much more exciting life, for the slower paced Mid West. What I really noticed about her was her ability to promote herself. She didn't hold back when talking about accomplishments and what she is good at. Honestly, I was taken aback and found myself filled with a strange mixture of disgust, envy, and fascination. She was rattling off a long list of the people she knew and what she had accomplished and all I could think was she had to be the most conceited person on earth. Yet, if she wasn't going to promote herself, who exactly would?
As women, I believe we are still raised to be quiet about what we are good at, what we are proudest of, and most importantly, if we actually like ourselves. In fact, as women, I think we are trained that that the only way we will be accepted by others is if we don't like ourselves. I remember when my daughter was almost two years old I constantly told her she was beautiful and smart, as did just about everyone else in the family. One day, as she was playing with on old compact, she was looked into the mirror and told herself how beautiful and smart she was. I thought it was very cute. Over the next couple of days, when she would be told by me or someone else how beautiful or how smart she was, her response was "I know I am." Again, I thought this was cute. But it bothered some people and I was told she shouldn't be encouraged to be so "self absorbed". To this day I still get angry when I think about that. "Nice girls don't say they know they are beautiful", "Nice girls don't brag about themselves","Nice girl don't...", as it turned out puberty, society, and way too much focus on issues of weight took care any questions about whether or not she was going to be a self absorbed, conceded girl. She became so self conscience we struggled with bulimia and anxiety for two long years and I still worry her battle with self image isn't over.
So tell me again why it's okay for me to be my worst critic but not my strongest ally? I thought about all of these things as I took the time to get to know my new friend from back east. What really impacted me was she is not much younger than I am yet she achieved all of the things she had dreamed of doing - in spite of moving all over, being scared, fear of the unknown...all of the things I have allowed on to my path to slow me down or stop me - until recently.
Now I am promoting myself on four different four different websites, not including this blog. The most impressive thing to me is, one of the sites is Facebook. That site is not a business site. It is completely for fun and personal communication with friends and family. Friends from high school to be even more exact. I have literally put myself out there in front of people that I felt intimidated by for years and am showing them all of the things I am doing, telling them how I feel about myself and letting them see what I succeed at and what I have not quite succeeded at. And guess what has happened? I have a bunch of friends that send me little posts and comments telling me to keep going, telling me they are excited for me and telling me I look great and they are proud of me. All of that because I was finally able to say I am proud of myself, I like how I look, I know who I really want to be and what I really want to do. Honestly, if that is what walking down my "Narcissistic Lane" means, it is definitely a path I should have followed a long time ago!
Posts
